Working Towards the Tomorrow You'll Never See

Tired. Can’t really type in here anymore, but I’m trying. Don’t know why though… Is anyone even reading this?

I had a dream that I danced with the most gorgeous man in the world… And when I tripped and fell he left me, but Atsushi was there to pick me up. And I had never felt happier.

Tomorrow I’ll go to the garden and cheer the flowers on. I hope they’ll grow beautiful and strong this year as well. ♥

Did everyone enjoy their cruise? ^_^ I hope you had fun. Happy New Year~ ♥

I have the afternoon off, so I can take time to write something here. It takes a lot of time, because I want to type myself and even though I have extra large keys… It still takes time. I’m in a wheel chair twenty four hours a day now, and it’s really difficult to make good use of my limbs. I can’t really dress on my own any more. I can struggle into a sweater and a skirt, but anything with buttons or a zipper is a no-no. Not to mention my shoes. ;o; When I speak, I sound drunk if I’m having a good day and completely incoherent if I’m having a bad day…

But I’m still fighting and hanging in there and stuff. Really. I’ve decided that I won’t let it get to me, so I want to arrange something for Christmas. Something fun. Something for all my friends that’s been there for me and supported me. Gina. Remi. Aya. Tezuka. Bunko. Niou. Yagyuu. Jackie. Atsushi. And everyone else. Here’s something for all you guys. If you want, you’ll be getting an invitation in the snail mail one of these days. It’s an invitation to a small cruise. Nothing fancy, not really, but it’s still a chance to get away for a bit. All expenses paid. If you can’t make it, or don’t want to come, just let me know and I’ll make sure it’s cancelled. =D Just consider this my Christmas present to everyone. ♥

Well. That's about how I feel right now. At grade school level, if not less.

But. In a new school. The teachers are friendly enough, but with all the crippled and otherwise handicapped people around me, I can't help but feel like a small child, trying to make her way in a completely unknown world.

I feel like a stranger.

And oh god, spellcheck, how I love you! ;o;

I have extra large keys on my keyboard and it's still difficult to press them correctly.

Anyway. How is everyone?

This is my second birthday I celebrate together with SCA. Last year I was a lot better of course. I didn't need my wheelchair. I could still participate somewhat in the regular tennis practice, and my speech wasn't messed up. But in one way, I think that birthday left me more blank than this one. I've had some great times today actually. Mom and dad surprised me with cake and then we went to the Ueno park in Tokyo and I got to pick out whichever museum I wanted to go to. I picked the National Museum of Western Art, because I really like Western Art. The colors are so vibrant and the soul in the paintings is a completely different one than the one in Japanese and other Oriental art, I think. After that we ate in a small, but oh so lovely restaurant in Asakusa. I can't believe I've never been to Asakusa by the way. I mean, I've spent a lot of time in Tokyo the past year and a half, but still I've never been here. Not even on school trips. It's a pity, because it's very beautiful and the temples are breathtaking! I sound like such a tourist, don't I?

Mom and dad took me back to the hospital afterward, and they wanted to stay longer, but then Atsushi came over so I shooed them away. Atsushi and I spent some time talking about this and that and just nothing at all and everything there is to talk about. Quite frankly... We goofed around quite a bit. But I had a lovely time and it always makes me feel so warm whenever I'm with him. It makes me happy, makes me feel loved and beautiful, even though I'm rather puffy now, my movements are spastic and my speech a slur if I try to talk fast. I'm still pretty in his eyes, and that makes me feel pretty as well, and that is, sadly enough, very good for my self esteem.

I'm not the type of person who likes to brag about what kind of presents she has received, so I won't. What I will do though, is express my unlimited gratitude towards everyone who sent me birthday wishes and gifts, or even just a passing thought. Not because of the material value of the things, but because they make me feel like I still exist, like I'm still a part of your lives, even though I'm slipping away from you guys more and more. My world's closing in, getting smaller and smaller by each day, but there are still things that makes me feel like I'm still a part of the whole, of the big picture, and that makes my thoughts easier to bear. So thank you everyone for still counting me in as a fellow human being.

Tired today. Really tired. I think I've come down with something. The doctors are watching me like a hawk, in case it could develop into something worse.

I'm starting to slur when I speak sometimes. It sounds... really ugly. And half of the time I stutter. It's a good thing you can't tell when I'm typing like this. I've gotten a special kind of keyboard now, with really large keys so I don't miss them. It's getting really difficult to press the keys down properly though, so typing this takes time Thank god for spell check! ;o;

Valentine's was great though. Atsushi came over. And he talked a lot about his little brother. I've even met the little kid, such a cutie! ^_^ He makes me believe life will still go on, even when all is said and done on my part. It's... comforting, somehow. I hope he'll have a great life!

I have an ulcer though. It hurts. It's from all the meds I'm taking, and they're trying to find a way for me to change to something that's easier on the stomach. But I don't know... Part of me wants to tell them to stop bother completely. It's not like the meds actually do anything, other than slow the disease down. Maybe it's not worth it, if I'm going to have to puke blood in the process. It's... not pleasant.

Enough of that. I'm going to try and be happy. Spring's on its way after all~! Flowers! Sakura trees in full bloom. I can't wait! ^_^

I should lay down now.

Everyone be good, okay? ^_^

Well, what? My disease is now one year old! Happy one year, Spino-cerebellar Atrophy-san~ You're having a field day, aren't you? Since you are, I'm not going to wish you a good day, because you're gonna get it anyway, aren't you? That's a good boy. Or girl. Or whatever. Hell if I even care...
It's rather taxing being sarcastic when it takes you over 15 minutes to just type this much. At least computer means spell check, and that means not having to erase stuff. Erasing is hard work~

I think the fireworks during new years were really pretty, one of the prettiest fireworks I've seen. Colorful and glittering and huge... So beautiful.

My parents think it will be best if I enroll in a disability school when the time comes for me to enter high school. That hurts, because I really would like to go to school with the rest of you, but I realize that's impossible. I'm wheelchair bound most of the time, I can't keep up in school, whether it's writing down what the teacher says or get in time to different classes and I'm just pulling everyone down.

At least I might have the chance to make new friends if I go to a new school? I hope so, even though new friends can not and will never replace my old ones.

Atsushi, congratulations on your new brother. You will let me see him soon, right? ♥

I have a slight feeling I'm slipping into a depression here. I've been more than a little unstable, even slapped a - pregnant - girl in the face and raved off to Atsushi. This really doesn't cut it, and I need to do something, but as it is, I'm not sure what. This hole I'm stuck in is getting deeper and deeper by the day, and even though the doctors mean well, they can only help that much before I feel they're being total jerkwads who probably have a lot of better things to do with their lives than bother with me, as they're only helping me for the money anyway. But if you're only in it for the money, then maybe a job as physician isn't the right choice of career, and you only become a doctor if you really feel for the patients? I'm hoping for the latter, but sometimes I have to wonder.

My condition right now isn't the best, at all. I try to walk around as much as possible, but it's a painstaking process that takes time and I never get to the place I want to be in time, be it the dining room, the bathroom or whatever. Last night I even had to ask mom to help me shower. It was quite embarrassing, however she didn't' seem to think so. But I guess it's different, she's seen me naked a lot of times, but that was when I was just a kid. I'm fully grown now, physically, and it was downright weird. I think my boobs are firmer than hers. She said I had an impressive figure. Well, I don't know about that, and I do think she's quite biased, but it was nice - in an odd way - to hear that from her.

The medicine I'm taking is quite strong, and I'm afraid I'll develop an ulcer if this keeps up, but the physicians said I was responding rather well to the medicine in that aspect, so the chance for that happening is probably quite small. Or so they say. Another downside is that I've gained a bit, two Kg, to be exact. I feel puffy. D= I don't get the proper exercise I need, rehabilitation only does that much, not to mention it's painful to move around too much.

I'm getting behind in school. Way, way behind, and I'm always late for classes and being a bother to everyone else. Sometimes I wish I could just grow a new brain and all this would go away, but I'm stuck with this for the rest of my life, and it's quite daunting to say the least. And I don't want to be a bother to everyone, but as it is... I don't know what to do.

ever tried to grasp what you can't see? like, i mean... grasp happiness... or hope or anything along those lines? i feel like i try to do that every day, only to find that my hands slip through nothingness and then i break down crying. today though i actually caught it. the butterfly called joy. rather amazing... it was only a simple letter but it meant so much. made me cry... but with joy this time. i cry so much recently, it's weird and not me, but... it was from atsushi. can i call you that? your first name i mean... because that's what i want to do, call you by your first name. i want to shout it out for everyone to hear because it's one of the prettiest names that i know of... thank you.

Everyone, good work. I watched the video of the game the other day, and I must say I'm impressed.
I will come down to the courts today to talk with all of you.

Words travel fast sometimes. So...

Congratulations, Tezuka-chan. I wish you the best of luck with Atobe and your beautiful baby~

Of all the people in the world I had to meet someone with issues bigger than the Victoria Falls. Oh well... I just can't shake the feeling that he's familiar somehow...

Atsushi... Thank you. I can't wait to meet your sister, I think her entries online are always so cute~ ♥

Other than that, things are going slowly but steadily, I suppose. Quite boring...

My birthday came and went, and all in all, I think it was pretty good, all things considered. Sanada seemed fairly quiet at school today, but I think I know what was bothering her. Won't ask though, not sure I really want to hear the answer.
But there was cake and that was good~ And there's Disney Land coming up. I might even look forward to it, strangely enough.
Later~

My birthday is coming up in a few days... I can't say I feel like celebrating, but I guess it can't be helped. Team, listen up~ There will be a small party at my place March the 5th. Feel free to come, you don't have to tell me beforehand.

But I'm feeling slightly good anyway, I suppose. I'll be going home soon! On Thursday to be more exact. I can hardly wait, it will be good to get back. I've actually missed everyone, but it was nice of the girls to come and visit me~ I really enjoyed it and the cake Marui brought was delicious. I wonder if he'll stop by again before I go back?

I really hope I can play tennis when I come back. Or at least hold a racket. I need to feel a racket in my hand again or I'll go nuts. Oh well...

Everyone~ I'm coming home ♥

Layout Change~ What do you guys think? ^^

I need to go into Tokyo. I've been putting this off for quite a while, but the truth is... This cold I've been fighting? It isn't a cold. Apparently I have a disease called Spinocerebellar Athropy, and no, I haven't heard of it before either. Is quite a serious disease, and it's uncureable, so I need to be admitted to the hospital for a while, while they do some check-up. I'll be gone for one week, maybe two, and in the meantime, Sanada's in charge. I'll let you know more when I know more. I need you guys to stay together now though, and do your very best. I will be back.

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I hope everyone had a great holiday, with lots of presents. I thank you for the gifts I've recieved and that you all remember that you'll do your very best this year. Stand strong, no matter what, okay? There's strength in unity after all.

Sanada, Yanagi... We need to talk. As soon as possible.

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I'm back, and I expect to see you all acting at your very best. Just because it's winter doesn't mean we can slack off. You're all doing very good so far though, all though, Niou... No more unexpected trips like that, okay? I need to know if someone's going somewhere at least a week beforehand. If you are sick, it can't be helped, but if you're just going on a trip... Tell me.

To my team:

It couldn't have escaped you that I collapsed at training today. Well... I need to stay home tomorrow and probably the day after tomorrow. Sanada will take care of practice while I'm gone. You will all listen to her, and that includes you, Niou. Do I make myself clear?

Happy birthday, Niou! Hope you'll have a wonderful day~

I've been to Tokyo now, after a bit of difficulties at the train station, everything went pretty well. Now I just have to wait...

Don't really see the point, but...

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

This is quite sudden, but Sanada, you need to see to the team tomorrow, as I will be going to Tokyo. The rest of you, behave. I mean it. If I hear anything when I come back, anything at all, you'll all run laps until your feet fall off.

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To my team: Keep going like this and we'll win the Nationals for sure. Just don't think you can slack off because you're doing good at the moment. Kirihara, Marui, I'll be keeping my eye on you. And Niou, I want you to pay more attention, or you face the consequences. You understand?

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